Zoe, Part II

I picked up Zoe's ashes today. I was going to wait and go with TJ after our chiropractor appointments, but I was afraid we would run late, and I couldn't bear the thought of her being on a shelf somewhere, in the vet hospital for the whole weekend. I didn't think picking up her ashes would be that difficult, I mean, I knew that she was dead, but I thought I could handle it on my own. Boy was I wrong. First, they couldn't find her. Then they located her and opened a cabinet, took a box off the shelf and handed it to me. I lost it. I started wailing, like I've never cried before. The poor receptionist didn't know what to do, neither did the customer who had just stopped in to buy some dog food. I managed to take Zoe and walk outside. I sat on the ground and held the box, and tried to catch my breath, as I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I finally pulled it together and got into the car, placing the box that contained the ashes of my sweet, precious little puppy on the passenger seat next to me, where she sat so many times before.

I waited until we got home, and I asked TJ to open the box. We took out the smaller urn that held Zoe, and a small pewter keychain that held some of her ashes. It was a very hard night, but luckily the door flew open and Cheryl came to the rescue with beautiful roses, and, more importantly, lots of wine! We toasted to Zoe and were soon joined by Doreen, then Corinne. Through my tears I was able to laugh a lot too as we talked about the good times with Zoe and what a great life she had. I love you guys!

The Zoe Bug

Wednesday morning, January 14, 2008, I got the phone call that I have always dreaded. It was my brother, Matthew's birthday, and I had called him the night before after midnight, singing happy birthday after a few glasses of wine I had enjoyed with my coworkers at the Estate Planning Seminar we were attending in Orlando. So, when the phone rang at 7:45am, I figured he was getting me back for the late night calls I had made the night before. But when the phone rang for the 5th time, I felt I better answer it.

I'll never forget those words that I heard, "Jen Jen, I love you to death, but Zoe passed away in her sleep last night." I was instantly awake and just kept repeating "What? What are you saying?" I felt like I had been hit in the chest with a ton of bricks. I always knew the day that Zoe left this world would be hard, but I never imagined how hard it would actually be. Luckily, the seminar that we were attending broadcasted in the hotel room so I didn't have to leave the room that day. I laid in bed, with tears rolling down my face, and remembered Zoe, my best friend for the past 13 years and 7 months.

I remembered driving to Jacksonville, and getting to pick which of Duchess' puppies was going to be mine (friends of my parents were the breeders). I remember Zoe was the runt of the litter, and she was so tiny and just sat in the corner, not making a sound. I remember Jimmy telling me, "That one is the quiet one, doesn't make a sound." Well anyone who knew Zoe knew that she definitely was NOT the quiet one.

Zoe joined me in Tallahassee, where we would run 3 - 5 miles a day and went to the dog park every day to play with her Frisbee. Zoe would put grab her Frisbee in her mouth and carry it herself all the way to the park and as soon as we got to her spot, she would throw the Frisbee at me and bark at me, and I would throw the Frisbee over and over again as Zoe would run her fastest, beat the Frisbee across the park, and run back to deposit it at my feet. It would barely be out of her mouth when she would start barking for me to throw it again.

And Zoe loved to swim, in the beach, in the pool, in a lake. I would sit on one end of the pool and throw Zoe's Frisbee to her and she would dive into the pool, catching it in her mouth. If my arm got tired of throwing the Frisbee to her, she would grab it from me, in a very exasperated manner, toss it into the pool, and wait for the light current of the water to take it towards the middle of the pool. Then she would jump in, retrieve it, and do it all over again.

I tried to show Zoe how much I loved her by bringing her to the park or letting her swim, but I could never give her back what she gave me. Her constant, unconditional love was second to none. She spent 4 years with me in Tallahassee, 3 years in Gainesville, and her remaining 6+ years with me in Fort Lauderdale. She nursed my many broken hearts as I cried my eyes out with my face buried in her fur. When I had a bad day at school or at work, I couldn't walk through the door and stay in a bad mood because I would be greeted with a wagging tail and Zoe would tell me about her day. She didn't bark, she talked, and we had a special language that I could always understand.

Everyone knew how special Zoe was to me. One of the first times that I hung out with TJ, we were at a hurricane party after Wilma had hit, and Zoe was with me. TJ made a comment about Zoe's talking and telling her to hush, and my friends Kim and Cheryl immediately jumped in, telling TJ in no uncertain terms that when Zoe had something to say, you just listened and gave her some attention. But TJ knew how important Zoe was to me too. When I took a job that was further than 12 blocks from my house, and I couldn't come home for lunch anymore, TJ was able to step up and walk her and make sure she was taken care of. He knew how important she was to me and for that reason, she was important to him. She even accompanied us when TJ proposed to me, and I was so happy that she was able to share that day with us.

Zoe was declining in health, her hearing was almost gone and she didn't play with her toys like she used to. Instead of grabbing her Frisbee when she was outside, she preferred to lay in the sun and take a nap. But she still had so much life in her. I could see the puppy twinkle in her eyes when I would look at her, even with her gray muzzle.

Being in the house without Zoe is so hard. Even when her hearing was gone, and I had to wake her up when I got home, she would jump up and be so happy to see me. Cooking isn't the same without her, now when I drop one of my ingredients, I actually have to pick it up since my helper is no longer at my side. Its been hard to be in the backyard, since Zoe loved to be out there, laying in the sun or standing at the dock looking into the water, trying to figure out how to get in (and get back out).

I still occasionally "hear" her at night, hear the sound of her little paws walking up and down the hallway. I believe in my heart of hearts that Zoe passed away the morning of her vet appointment because she didn't want me to have to make that awful decision. I think she knew I was out of town and since I always get up before TJ in the morning, she didn't want me to find her. She wanted to be home, in her house, with her daddy, and not in a vet hospital as she took her final breath. I miss her terribly, but I know that her little body just gave out on her, and now she is in dog heaven, chasing Frisbees, with no ailments, only that unadulterated pure joy. Good bye, my sweet Zoe bug, please check in on me from time to time because I miss you so much.